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| Kids show a capacity for logical reasoning that most adults could benefit from emulating. Photo used with permission from Flickr, Parker Michael Knight. |
Recently I noticed that my son, Ethan,
had become hesitant to spend time with one of his best friends (I’ll call him
David). When I asked what was going on,
he explained that he had grown uncomfortable around David because he frequently
made hurtful remarks about other friends behind their backs but in Ethan’s
presence. Ethan was conflicted because
he felt that by being around David, even without actually speaking or
participating or agreeing, he was being disloyal to his other friends. He said he had confronted David a couple of
times when he made one of these comments, but David laughed it off and did not
seem to appreciate how upsetting it was for Ethan.
When I asked Ethan what it would look
like if he could have it any way he wanted, he explained that he wanted to
continue to be friends with David, but that he wanted David to stop talking
about other people. I asked how he might accomplish that goal given that the
only person’s behavior he can control is himself. Ethan replied, “Mom, I only see 2
options: First, I can stop being friends
with David. Second, I can keep being
friends with him and when he says these things, I can keep telling him to stop.” I asked him which of those would achieve his
goal of continuing to be friends without the negative talk, and it was then he
realized that neither would accomplish that goal. So, I suggested he think some more.
Later he approached me with the idea
that he speak with David directly, but not right after he made a remark. Essentially, Ethan decided to go to see him
specifically to discuss this situation. Ethan said he would explain that he was one of
his oldest and best friends, and he wanted to remain that way, but that he
didn’t want to be friends with someone who made fun of his other friends, and
that he felt disloyal and dishonest, which went against his values.
I asked him to think through the
outcomes of the various solutions he had devised. He said, “Well, David may just tell me to
leave, and we won’t be friends.” “Or, he
might tell me to leave and then talk about me behind my back and make fun of me.” “Or if I just stop hanging around him, it
might hurt his feelings, and he may wonder why I stopped being his friend. “Or, he might realize that he doesn’t want to
be that kind of person who talks about someone behind their back, and
stop.” “And he might even be grateful
that I had the courage to talk to him about something.”
“So,” I said, “which choice do you
think has the best chance of allowing you to stay friends but convincing David
to stop the behavior?” Ethan considered
it, and said, “I’ll talk to David.”
Trying to hide the tears that had
welled up in my eyes as I admired the integrity and courage in my young son, I
realized that Ethan had developed a sound strategy for dealing with a complex
issue. He clarified the vision of his
desired outcome, he reflected on the vision against his values to insure
alignment, he weighed “real options” – considering pros, cons, risks and the
option most likely to yield his desired result, and he chose the strategy that best
met the goal which was both the most difficult, and the most right.
Of course any of these strategies could
have been considered “right,” but no other so closely achieved the desired
outcome. So although it might have been
fine for them to stop being friends and for David to have not understood what
happened, that solution was inconsistent with Ethan’s values and the stated vision.
Wondering how you can you put this
simple idea to work in your organization when confronted with a complex issue
requiring a solution, and to come up with a solution that can withstand inquiry
because it’s consistent with the organization’s values? Try following this process:
·
Vision – what is the desired
outcome? What does it look like? How will you know if it’s successful?
·
Values – how does the vision match up
with your and the organization’s values?
Reflection is a great way to give you the space and time to think about
this, as is including trusted others to help choose the solution that creates
the greatest alignment;
·
Options - once you’re clear on the
desired outcome (vision) and are confident that it is consistent with the
organization’s values, brainstorm real options;
·
Reflect – look at the options against
the desired outcome and corresponding values, and
·
Decide - choose the course of action
that most closely aligns with the values while achieving the desired outcome.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Shannon Brown is a Ph.D. student at Benedictine University’s Center for Values-Driven Leadership (CVDL) and a VP for Exemplify. She has served in leadership positions with Thomson Reuters and Tata Consultancy Services. In addition, she is an adjunct faculty member at Dominican University where she teaches courses in leadership studies.
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